BAM! When Worlds Collide
by EaterOfWorlds
Summary: This is for all those who like LOTR as much as HP (I know i do!). Let me know what ya think!
1. Default Chapter

This is obviously a Harry Potter and LOTR crossover fic. It is intended to be humorous and I hope it makes someone somewhere laugh. Disclaimer: I own nothing or no one, to say the least.  
  
Picture it, Hogwarts, 2002:  
  
Professor Snape and Lucius Malfoy were heading to the potion master's dungeon late one evening.  
  
"I've got something here you simply must see" Snape said mysteriously.  
  
"My, you do love getting my hopes up, don't you."  
  
They headed down the last flight of stairs and came to the dungeon door. Snape led them inside and quickly checked to make sure they were alone and no intrusions were forthcoming. Lucius stood looking perplexed but highly intrigued (as well as aroused).  
  
"I've been doing a bit of reading about muggles history, how they achieved power and such," he said, pausing for dramatic effect. "It seems they had a very interesting source of untapped power at their disposal and chose to do away with it. You see, in a place called Middle Earth there were different species of beings: Elves, Hobbits, Men, Dwarfs, and etc...the list goes on.  
  
"And?...What has this got to do with me?" Lucius interjected.  
  
**Disclaimer: Silly plot line is near**  
  
"Don't ever interrupt me when I'm in the middle of something important, you twit." Severus fumed and went on, "These creatures had a central source of power created by a dark and ingenious wizard. It was a single ring which would give the wearer control over all other beings. These fools actually feared the ring and proceeded to destroy it and the great wizard in time."  
  
"Again, explain to me the use of these wonderful tidbits of knowledge."  
  
"Don't you see, fool. If we found a way to get to this ring before it was destroyed, we could bring it here and rule the world. No more repulsive Voldemort to fear. Plus, we could erase this feeble school and all of it's annoying inhabitants." Snape concluded.  
  
"Including my own dear son?" Lucius inquired.  
  
"Especially him. You know I hate him as well as all the others. More than the others now that I think of his incredibly shiny hair."  
  
"You're right, he's an insufferable git, isn't he?" laughed Lucius. "So how do we get this aforementioned ring, seeing as how it's been destroyed?"  
  
"Easily, this is what I wanted to show you..." Snape whisks into the corner and begins stirring his caldron, which is filled to the brim with a green, bubbling substance. "This is just something I whipped up. It's derived from many vile things that are too hard to pronounce. It's purpose is to transport the drinker to whichever time and place they have in mind. So if someone wanted, they could change the course of history in one gulp."  
  
"I bet you say that to all the boys." A smiled played across Malfoy's lips.  
  
"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're very witty for someone who's had a lobotomy. Now if you'll focus, you pitiful excuse for a wizard,..."  
  
Snape took a glass of the thick brew and handed one to Lucius. "All I have to do is continue to think of MiddleEarth in the days before the ring was destroyed. And all you need to do, you worthless poofter, is hold onto my shirttails. Which shouldn't be too big of a stretch."  
  
Severus takes a deep breath and swallows. *which I heard he does often* The men are then whisked from the blackness of the dungeon at Hogwarts straight into a brightly lit forrest. They stand there blinking in the sunlight, looking to one another for a suggestion of what the hell they should do next. Before either of them can speak, voices emit from a path close by. Without having to consult on the decision, they both duck into the nearest bush to avoid being seen. The time will come to fraternize with the beings of this world, but Lucius and Severus would like to know what the competition looks like first.  
  
The first figure to emerge is a lithe, beautiful young man who seems to be perfect in every way. He is replacing a polished bow into it's sleeve and looking vaguely bored. The second figure is also a man, or so he seems. The pale skin and long golden hair seem to exude something very impish.  
  
"Haldir, Do you really think this is necessary? I am perfectly capable of performing such a task on my own."  
  
"I am aware of your capabilities, Legolas, I merely wanted to assist you. Is that so wrong?" The man says.  
  
"I suppose not. But let us find you a hobby in the future. One that does not include watching my backside as I pick up wood for the fire."  
  
"I can imagine nothing more entertaining, but I am open to suggestions."  
  
Severus looks to Lucius and raises an eyebrow. These must be the Elves he read so much about. Trouble is, he always understood they were androgynous creatures who lived entirely too long and never wanted to have sex. Never. How perfectly boring. Seems the history books were wrong. He recognizes them as part of the group who were given the task of seeing the ring perish.  
  
"Haldir of Lothlorien - stop looking at my ass!" Legolas commands.  
  
"I would cousin, but for being such a weak Elf where green leggins are concerned."  
  
"Well I do have a nice ass. Alright then." Legolas begins picking up small twigs and such, sticking out his backside in such a way that is not usually becoming of an Elf.  
  
Snape realizes this is the moment when the two are most vulnerable and least likely to shoot an arrow into his enormous forehead. He steps out of the bush and motions for Lucius to do the same. Snape was sure to get in the first word as they approached the Elves.  
  
"Well, it seems we are but weary travelers in your land and greatly in need of assistance. " He arched an eyebrow in feigned anxiety. Another brow was arched back at him inquisitively by Haldir. Haldir turned to Legolas and raised the other brow in a exasperated gesture. Legolas, who was at this point confused, accidentally raised both brows and succeeded in looking like something was suddenly shoved up his ass. Haldir dismissed his odd behavior and took the situation into his own hands.  
  
"Well, you gentlemen look honest enough. You can journey with us for long as it suits you, but mind you don't interfere with the task at hand."  
  
"And what task might that be?" Lucius asked, voice dripping with innocence and blinking his eyes rapidly. *blink, blink, blink*  
  
"My comrades and I are to destroy the all powerful ring of the dark lord. Don't guess you've heard of it?" Legolas inquired.  
  
"Not that I can say. You, Lucius? Has any part of your pea sized brain had knowledge of such a thing?"  
  
"No. And I think I'm offended, but that Elves leggins are so impossibly tight I can't really focus."  
  
"Well, that's an honest enough answer. Come, everyone follow me back to the camp. Feel free to stare at my perfect ass as I traipse through the forest," Legolas answers.  
  
So they do. They arrive back at the fellowship's campsite to large amounts of ale and hilarity ensues! As we leave this scene, we see four hobbits have passed out next the fire in a rather suggestive position. There's a dwarf in a tree, where he was tossed by a rather inebriated Elf. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, thinking their plan had gone brilliantly, relax and sleep peacefully. The rest of the fellowship continued to play around long into the night. Because let's face it, when you spend that much time with someone out in the wilderness, you're gonna have to find new ways to amuse yourself. And let's just leave it at that.  
  
FIN 


	2. Thickening Plot

Back at stately Hogwarts manor:  
  
Ron and Hermione finally convinced Harry they were really themselves (no spells or such) and had a good reason for taking him to Snape's dungeon. It was dark and cold, but they explained they had something very interesting to show him.  
  
"I came down here for detention today and Snape was nowhere to be found. I looked around and found this in the corner." Ron explained.  
  
He pointed to the slimy cauldron filled with a noxious, green potion.  
  
"I know what this is! I've read all about it in Spells for the Repulsive: Volume 2! " She proceeded to tell them exactly what it was used for, what ingredients it contained, how long it took to brew, how she could have made a better and more potent batch herself.and so on and so forth. "I can say conclusively that Snape and one of his cohorts has taken it recently." Hermione threw in, pointing to the empty cups on the floor close by.  
  
"Well there's only one thing we can do, isn't there? We have to sample the brew for ourselves to prove Snape is up to something tricky. We'll all drink it, solve a big mystery, catch a bad guy, and everyone will love us!" said Harry.  
  
Hermione had more than slight reservations about randomly drinking something that was brewed in a corner of Snape's office. However, she was not willing to let Ron and Harry do something that could possibly put them in the good graces of all the teachers at Hogwarts and leave her out. They knew exactly where and when Snape had run off to after studying the open history books lying on his desk. The three teens each got a large glass and toasted to all the fame and praise they were sure to receive for overthrowing the next evil plot against the wizarding world.  
  
Ron gulped, "This tastes like shite. I feel all tingly and unnatural..."  
  
But before he could finish, they were all transformed to a place and time they knew nothing of.  
  
Back in the Woods:  
  
The fellowship of men, hobbits, and elves (and one very sore dwarf) were just waking from their night of debauchery. Their things were packed and ready for another day of traveling. The fellowship started downhill from their campsite only to stop abruptly.  
  
"I sense something in the distance." Legolas stopped to inhale deeply. "Three things, actually. Wearing black. And all are particularly annoying. Fell things are on the wind this morn." He arched his flat brow with little success.  
  
The events which followed happened at an alarming rate. Three black figures emerged from the crest of the small hill. Frodo, having immediately sensed they were a danger to him, responded by going pale and vacant - then proceeded to fall down. He tumbled all the way to the bottom and only stopped when he ran smack into the group of bewildered children.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were flung to the ground. There was a tangle of arms and legs as they each tried to right themselves. Somehow, Frodo's little Hobbit body became pinned suggestively under Harry.  
  
Sam, not caring if these newcomers were friend or foe, was concerned with the position his lover was in. Did I say lover? I meant "friend". *ahem* Knowing he had to take action, he ran to Legolas and shouted "Orcs, Orcs!!!!"  
  
There came from the tangle a shout of "Bloody Hell!" and Legolas' superior Elf senses told him those were no Orcs, but his hands responded much quicker than his mind. And with that, three warning shots were fired.  
  
Into their heads.  
  
The crew bounded to the bottom of the hill and placed Frodo back on his feet, where he swayed alarmingly (to no one's surprise). The limp bodies of three human children lay in the morning sun.  
  
Severus Snape was peering over the shoulder of Haldir. He had not expected to be followed by these brats, but could hardly contain his joy knowing they were out of the way. He gave Lucius a secret smile, which was more of a smirk really because smiling was not something Snape did. Lucius, who was leaning (with much enjoyment) against Aragorn, smirked back. With a nod of his head, Snape motioned for Lucius to follow him away from the group.  
  
"Oh fate has smiled upon us, my friend." Snape said. "I have not the words to express how deeply moved I am by this turn of events. If given the opportunity back home, I would have gladly carved their hearts out with a spoon."  
  
"Why a spoon?" Lucius inquired.  
  
"Because it's dull, you git, it'll hurt more."  
  
"I simply meant that why would a wizard of your supposed magnitude waste time with such nonsense. Surely your wand must be good for something other than hanging limply by your side."  
  
"I'll have you know my wand never hangs limply. And I would like to add that I detest you thoroughly and have a mind to use it on you. Perhaps muss your hair, that would utterly devastate you, would it not?" Snape was in no mood for this type of exchange. "Meanwhile, we shall not forget our original purpose of snatching that ring the clumsy Hobbit carries round his neck. We must have our wits about us." Snape straightened his cloak and made his way back to the others.  
  
Lucius followed but kept his thoughts to himself. He would never admit to Severus, but he was actually enjoying it here in Middle Earth, and didn't care if he had that supposed "Ring of Power". He could do with another drunken night in the forrest with the likes of Aragorn, though. He shook these thoughts off and got back to the business at hand. What was it? Oh yes, dead bodies. hee hee hee  
  
It was unanimously decided that the unannounced guests were probably up to no good and were thrown in the nearest river. Thus passing out of our tale forever.  
  
Three Weeks Later:  
  
"I have bent over and collected enough wood for a hundred fires, Haldir. I demand on returning to the others now." Legolas said.  
  
"I agree, but not before I show you the fires you light within my long suffering soul, Legolas."  
  
Haldir quickly freed himself of all clothing. Unfortunately, he did not foresee the effect the cool night air would have upon his nether regions. He hurriedly pulled his leggins and tunic back on. "Let us speak of this to no one."  
  
"My intentions all along, cousin." Legolas remarked as he trekked back to the others.  
  
Just then, a shout came from somewhere in the distance. It was Gandalf, back from scouting the western woods for signs of trouble they may encounter. He hurried (as much as an ancient man with a cane can hurry) back to the Elves to give a full report.  
  
"You would not believe...go and tell the others we are under attack." he said breathlessly.  
  
"What is it?" Legolas' pointy ears perked up at the thought of danger. "More Orcs...UrakHai..strange children in black robes...?? Do not keep me in suspense."  
  
"Much worse, my friend. Baptists. A great number of them. They have heard tales of fey men and Elves, prancing through these woods. Plus, they saw 'Hotpants Haldir' here dropping his kit."  
  
"So they're dangerous. They come here to destroy us?" Haldir asked. Trying to ignore Gandalf's mention of him.  
  
"Worse than that," Gandalf said "They come to convert us." He shuddered visibly.  
  
Through the woods came scores of homely dressed men and women with shouts of "Fornicators!" and "Sinners!" Eyeing the most nelly of the group, they immediately set their sights on Legolas and his overly-tight leggins.  
  
"Make haste, Legolas, the enemy draws neigh!" Gandalf shouted, running towards the open field where Aragorn and the others had appeared. Swords, knives, and arrows were drawn - no one was quite willing to let Legolas go without a fight.  
  
The Baptists were upon them. There were many shouts of "Repent!" and much swaying of hands as someone played acoustic guitar. Legolas only just escaped their 'laying on of hands' when Haldir fell.  
  
"Haaaaaallllllllddddddiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrr!!!" Legolas shouted.  
  
Legolas stopped his retreat in order to help the wounded Elf. Suddenly there was a great blackness as someone smacked a bible into his face.  
  
"Leeeeeeeggggggggooooooooooolllllllllaaaaaaaassssssss!!!" Aragorn shouted.  
  
He ran to his friend's aide. There was much bloodshed as he hacked his way out of the Baptist's grip. He had nearly reached safety when a foul man in a bad suit threw a gold medallion at him with 'WWJD' engraved in it. It hit him right in the small of the back and he went down like a sack of bricks.  
  
"Arrrrrrrrraaaaaaaagggggooooooorrrrrrnnnnnnnnn!!" Frodo shouted.  
  
"Mister Frrrrrooooooooddddddddooooooooo!!!" Sam yelled.  
  
"But I'm just right here Sam, I haven't moved yet." Frodo said.  
  
"I know sir, but I was only trying to save some time."  
  
Snape and Lucius, who had been trying to stay out of the way and not get mussed, decided this had gone on long enough. Each whipped out a wand and with a brilliant flash of light drove the Baptists into retreat, most with an elongated appendage or excessive amounts of hair on their faces.  
  
Everyone was eternally grateful to them, and trusted them more than ever - Snape couldn't have planned it better.  
  
The weary travelers stood surveying the land and contemplating all their troubles. Gandalf said in a hushed voice, "The battle for Legolas' ass has been won - but the battle for big nelly Elves everywhere has only begun."  
  
And with that they started off once more. With Legolas in the lead, of course.  
  
FIN 


End file.
